Your Horoscope

I wrote the following piece for a magazine meant for college students. It was inspired by the original Your Horoscope column on The Onion. I wish all visitors a happy new year in 2004.

ARIES (March 21—April 19)   LIBRA (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You finally meet the girl of your dreams. But she will only want you to get a ticket from the bus conductor. Your dream of getting a rich girlfriend comes true. Your dream of significant financial savings doesn’t.
TAURUS (April. 20—May 20) SCORPIO (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will start going out with a North-Indian girl. You will come to realise that apart from the fair skin and cute accent, they are no different from local ones. Bad news and good news. The bad news is that you will be caught trying to hide bits during the physics test. The good news is that you will let off because the bits were for the chemistry test.
GEMINI (May 21—June 21) SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be relieved that the road-side romeo who has a habit of “looking” at you in the bus stand is no longer doing that. Your relief turns in to a strange sort of disappointment as the guy begins to devote his attentions to a better-looking girl. You are outraged that a girl in your college has been eve-teased by a student of a rival college. Though it turns out that the culprit was actually a student of your college, it is too late because you are arrested for throwing a brick at a bus windshield.
CANCER (June 22—July 22) CAPRICORN (Dec. 22—Jan. 19
You take pride in the fact that your college attracts the most number of eve-teasers. You also take part in protests against them. Your balloon of happiness in joining a co-ed college is pricked by seniors who insist on ragging you in front of your female classmates.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22) AQUARIUS (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You make great strides in speaking fluent Peter, but this only makes the girls characterize you as “noisy” and “boorish.” Your interest in footboard travel comes to an end as you are run over by a truck after falling from a bus after hitting a lamppost.
VIRGO (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) PISCES (Feb. 19—March 20)
You wish you could turn your boyfriend into a cat and keep him as a pet at home. Don’t. You are looking for a guy who listens to you, laughs at your jokes, cares about you, loves you no matter what,… Stop. This person is your father. Seek professional help.

UPDATE: I apologize to the folks who reach this site after doing searches like sex in capricon horoscope 2004


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